Lament of a Greek Assistant
by Mama May-Eye
Summary: When a pushover gets assigned to be personal assistant to the representative of Greece, he couldn't have been happier to get that pay raise. "A job like this wouldn't be so hard," was his one thought going in. Poor bastard. No slash.
1. Assignment 1

**Disclaimer:** Hetalia and its characters do not belong to me - unfortunately - they belong to their respective creator/owner.  
**Author Note:** A new fanfic! I'm excited about finally posting this little ficlet as I have been neglecting "Nordics and I" for this. My first time writing or getting into Greece's character - I can only hope I keep it canon. Enjoy and leave feedback!

**Assignment 1**

Here's a funny scenario. Really funny. So hilarious. What do you get when you take a guy with a desk job who frequently takes "no" for an answer and throw him in a house full of cats with one Greek man who can be described by those who know him best as "barely senile"…and what if the guy with a desk job was ordered to babysit the Greek man on pain of death? Well, mister desk job didn't know, but he guessed the answer to the above mentioned question was something like a big freakin' mess. One that causes aneurisms and tears and momentary losses of memory when a pitiful employee of the government bashes his head against the Greek man's wall because of the rising insanity experienced in said man's presence for an extended ninety-eight hours.

"Mister Karpusi."

A second's delay. "Yes? Is there something wrong?" Though the way it was phrased it sounded more like a statement. Lesser, more meek people might have been discouraged by the lack of positive encouragement in the voice that answered. That is, they would have been, had they not spent many frustrating weeks in his company already.

"I know it's _hard _to convert from one way of life to another, so I will be brief. Did you eat cat food this morning for breakfast?"

"Hmmm…no."

Colin Galanos (the unfortunate bastard mentioned before) was surprised. "No?" He had seen the box of cat treats open on the counter a few seconds ago and he was positive that none of Mr. Karpusi's cats could open the box, despite how…_human_ they seemed sometimes.

Greece tilted his head to the side. "I did not eat any for breakfast…but I did eat some for lunch."

"Wha-! Mr. Karpusi, you know it's my job to ensure your overall care. That means that I at least have to make sure you have a healthy meal every day so that you will not keel over from malnourishment and so I won't have to deal with the fatal fallout of said consequence!" He paused for a breath and silently scrutinized the Greek man sitting calmly on the couch. "How many did you have?"

Greece began to pet one of the cats padding by his legs. "Not as many as yesterday."

"Oh my-"

"Jennifer was pushy…so I had to feed her and Felix instead. Because they're lovers…."

Colin rubbed his temples in growing desperation. Or frustration. Or a growing homicidal urge.

"…and they'll have babies soon. I'll be an uncle, you know."

He could really go with either. He sighed in defeat and asked instead, "You must at least eat an apple. Or something human."

"Cannibalism is illegal, I think."

"What? No, no, I mean eat something that humans would eat – normal people. No one normal eats cat food." He spread out his hands toward the nonchalant man in a symbol of acceptance, reining his frustration in admirably. "Understand what I've been saying?"

Man-turned-servant and cat-obsessed representative studied one another, seconds ticking by. Colin could feel his hope for a quick end to this conversation start to sink slowly and painfully. Greece blinked.

"But I'm full already."

"Uuuraaagh!"

Greece, having grown accustomed to his personal assistant's outbursts, merely stood and walked towards his room.

"Hey! Where are you going! …Sir," Colin added as an afterthought. He was technically on duty, after all, and courtesy was an unspoken requirement in this job. Regardless of how much of a pain the "job" was.

Greece did not pause as he stepped past Colin, lightly plopped a cat on his head, and continued down the hallway. "To my bedroom. I am tired…" here he turned back to look at Colin, "since I had to work for a very long time this morning."

"A-A long time? I don't believe you; when I walked in, you were taking a nap! Now you're taking another one?"

Greece shrugged. "I like naps. They do not hurt anyone. And I was up before you arrived."

Colin felt as if he was in the wrong suddenly. "W-Well, I suppose, but –"

"Mmm. 'Night." The door to the Greek man's room shut with a soft click.

Silence reigned as Colin stood dumbfounded in the living room. This, unfortunately, was a regular occurrence since his being assigned to "assist" the representative of Greece. Officially, this detailed providing service bordering on a bodyguard or a cameraman or one of those things where the person was to accompany their so-called boss wherever he/she were to go. Unofficially, he was, for all purposes, a babysitter. Joy. At least he didn't have to risk his life to protect this guy, though he got the feeling that his superiors would prefer he did.

He sighed and began to clean up around the felines padding around the floor, tripping over some as they either weaved between his legs or just lay sprawled across the floor. Ugh, so many felines. He didn't mind animals (another of the unofficial requirements for this job) but he really wished there weren't so _many_. Didn't Mr. Karpusi know the saying "too much of a good thing is a bad thing"? On second thought, he probably did but just didn't care. Colin Galanos was quickly learning the many quirks of his employer and how to handle them. Well…half-handle them; he was still blindsided sometimes by the words or actions of this unique individual. Picking up a cat by the scruff of its neck and gently depositing it on the other side of a wrapper, Colin swiped up the trash and turned towards the kitchen to throw it away. It wasn't that Mr. Karpusi was a messy man particularly, but the felines he kept around literally littered the ground (no pun intended); they would lay on any rubbish lying around and it was tricky to see where a stain might reside when a furry body covered it from eyesight.

He sighed again and felt something shift upon his head. Startled, he quickly swiped his hand across his head and encountered a fluffy, warm obstacle. Relaxing, he detached the cat his quirky employer had placed upon Colin's head before he went to take another nap. Colin petted the cat, more a kitten, absent-mindedly as he headed to the couch to await the awakening of Mr. Karpusi. He couldn't leave until his shift was over, after all. As he sat he began to reflect on the first day he was given his orders. His descent into madness, so to speak.

._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._.

"_We'll be assigning you to our representative of Greece. As such, your duties will include the care and initial safety of the representative. You will accompany the representative wherever he may go at whatever time in the day. You will be responsible for his actions and his public image. This means you will make sure he upholds the position befitting a representative of Greece and to negate any of his actions that may embarrass the country by employing peaceful and diplomatic means. Use of violence and hostility toward the representative or otherwise will have dire consequences." He leaned forward pointedly. "Very dire consequences."_

_ "I understand, sir. I will uphold these conditions and more. I will not let Greece down."_

_ "See that you don't. There is a car in the front waiting to take you to the representative's home. On the way you will review your assignment through the file located inside the car. You are dismissed."_

._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._.

There had been more to the briefing, but he had been so happy to get a promotion, no matter what position it was _to_, that he never stopped to question why he was the only one getting it in the first place, if he did anything to deserve it, or if this job was high-risk. He just needed the money – his apartment complex's rent had increased.

He should've just killed himself then and there to spare himself the future torture.

After a while, he heard the sounds of life in his boss's room and thought he should try to make amends for before – he had reacted rather critically towards the guy and if he spent the morning doing his job, well, why should anyone be given grief over that? He walked over to the door and knocked on it.

"Mr. Karpusi?"

"...Yes?"

The person inside sounded as if he were dead on his feet, making the assistant feel even worse for his behavior before.

"Is there something I could get for you?"

"Hmmm, no." The door clicked open to reveal a disheveled Greece.

"Oh…. Well, I, uh, I wanted to apologize for before, sir. I thought you were lazing about this morning like I see you do sometimes. I shouldn't have chastised you for working, though." He shifted. "That's all I wanted to say."

Greece gazed at him with the eyes of someone who either didn't know what was going on around him or just didn't care. There was a strong possibility it was both.

"'S'alright. No one is perfect, so we are bound to make mistakes. I have a friend…he says that to keep an open mind…is wise…or something like that."

Colin almost tried to make sense of that random input of information. See? He was learning. "Yes, sir, and, again, sorry for the misunderstanding." As Greece turned to leave his room, however, Colin got an idea, something for the big guy. "Mr. Karpusi, a moment. Would you mind if I sent your work to Parliament for you? It's the least I could do."

Greece turned back into his room. "If you want to." Grabbing his work from the morning, he came back and handed it to Colin.

"…Mister…?"

"There it is. It was hard to do it, though, so…maybe not clench it so hard."

Colin stared with a growing sense of astonishment and fury. What was in his hand. What was this. One page? _One_ page? One _page_? He wasn't aware of his hands grasping, nearly crushing, the paper in his hands while a curious Greece watched his reaction.

"Th-This…." This was _it_? He looked up in shock to the person in front of him, who yawned and declared,

"So this is what a full work day feels like."

The sound of a wire snapping could be metaphorically heard. "You made me apologize and you only finished one page! You are the laziest man on Earth and I take back my apology! I'm throwing out your cat food!"

"…Wait…!"

Yeah, mister desk job should've spared himself the headache of living through this shit.

**TBC...**

Post Script - I like the idea of a OC who's not up in the butts of the established characters and vice versa. I tried to keep the tone as synonymous with the humor unique to Hetalia and not give Colin any chance to get comfortable. I think it worked. Maybe.


	2. Assignment 2

******Disclaimer:** Hetalia and its characters do not belong to me - unfortunately - they belong to their respective creator/owner.  
**Author Note:** Finally the next chapter! I like how this turned out, even if it's probably the smallest chapter I've ever written of something. It made me chuckle. Enjoy and leave feedback!

**Assignment 2**

"_Konnichiwa_."

Colin stared once he looked up from his small but time-consuming paperwork in front of him (apparently babysitting someone narcoleptic didn't give you the right to be lazy yourself). "What language is that?"

The Greek across from him tilted his head as he continued petting one of his cats in his lap. "It's Japanese. I learned it for my friend. For when he visits sometimes."

"Oh? You have friends?" is what he almost said. He instead changed it to: "Really? I didn't think you knew other languages besides Greek and English."

"Hm. I know plenty." He turned. "Want to hear some?"

"Uh…no thank–"

"Pocky…sushi…sake…"

"B-But that's stuff that we already have here in Greece! It's not really learning another language…."

"…Soy sauce…steamed buns…rice balls…"

"None of that is in Japanese – you're still speaking Greek!"

"…rice-oo barr-oos–"

"Adding an "Oo!" on the end of words does not mean you're speaking another language!"

Greece paused and sighed as if irritated with his assistant's constant doubting of his bilingual abilities, though one could not see any signs of it on his face.

"I did remember one word from Japan: _baka_."

Colin blinked, surprised – that actually sounded a bit Asian. "Okay. What does it mean?"

Greece looked him in the eyes. "It means a smart, hardworking man. You, assistant, are a _baka_. The biggest one."

Colin was pleased with this out-of-the-blue compliment from his weird employer, but decided to take it – he didn't get many compliments in this job. "Well, thank you, Mister Karpusi. I wish I could say the same for you, but…"

Greece went back to petting the cat in his hands. "No, it's alright. That is one thing I'm glad I'm not."

**TBC...**

Post Script - The reason it took so long for this chapter is because I have a hard time coming up with a humorous situation for each chapter. Greece is hard to write! That said, I'm now accepting suggestions for chapters - to get the ball rolling, so to speak. Feel free to post ideas for these two.


	3. Assignment 3

**********Disclaimer:** Hetalia and its characters do not belong to me - unfortunately - they belong to their respective creator/owner.  
**Author Note:** I apologize if Turkey seems OOC, I haven't gotten to study him as much as he's only appeared a handful of times so far. The Turkey in my head is a bit perverted like Greece but really only shows it when dealing with certain countries. Enjoy and leave feedback!

**Assignment 3**

It was the second month since Colin started his new Parliament paid job. His new _higher paid_ job. Right now? He was cleaning up his boss's living room.

He couldn't help but think there was something all-kinds-of-wrong with that sentence.

As he swiped up an old newspaper from under a dozing cat (and it stayed on its back where it landed) he heard the public telephone ring. His employer had his own cell phone for whichever private government-whatever secrets they told each other, so Colin was free to answer the house phone without running the risk of knowing something he shouldn't. Although, since working for Mister Karpusi, he already wished he could un-learn certain things.

As the ringing was getting annoying – and Mister Karpusi had yet to emerge from his room – Colin walked over to the telephone (reflecting in his head again that answering his employer's phone while cleaning his house was a normal-enough action and that it didn't make him a maid or a secretary) and answered it, believing the person on the other end would range from a telemarketer to some neighborly-type well-wisher.

"Hello, Karpusi resi-?"

"What the holy hell is wrong with you, you stupid _bastard_! You leave that kind of message on my _answering machine_? I have TRNC living over here, you dumb gutter-eater! What if he was home to hear that kind of language? I'd say use your brain, but I _know_ you only think with _one_ _head_-!"

"Uh…" Colin was not prepared for this kind of verbal abuse at the house of man who didn't appear to have made one enemy (or friend but he guessed wrong about that) in his entire life. "…I'm sorry…I think you have the wrong number."

Silence. Then a happy, "Oh, I'm sorry. Disregard what I said, then. Apologies for bothering you, sir."

Colin breathed a sigh of relief. The person didn't sound as crazy now as he first thought. "No, it's alright. Er…goodbye."

"_Hoşçakalın_."

Then there was no one on the line.

Perplexed at the unusual call, but willing to do as the foreign voice said and disregard it, he turned away only for the phone to ring right away. With a sense of bemusement at who the next mysterious caller might be, he answered it.

"Hello, Kar–?"

"What the holy hell is wrong with you, you stupid _bastard_! You leave that kind of message –!"

"Er…this is the person from before?"

"What!"

Colin couldn't stop his shoulders from jerking at the bark. This person sounded as if he was a drill sergeant getting ready to shoot someone for insubordination. He never dealt well with people like this, preferring quiet company. "Um, this is the same person as before, sir. Did you get the wrong number again?"

"Wha– Hold on!" There came the sound of ruffling papers in the background. Then, "No, this is the right number. Who the hell is this?"

Colin narrowed his eyes at the commanding tone but replied, "This is the Karpusi residence. May I ask who's calling?"

"Karpu-? Ohhh! Well, that explains it. Who are you? Some visiting Parliament guy? What'd the cat-pervert do this time?" Snickering. "He forget to tie his shoes and had to get one of his lackeys to do it for him?"

Colin wasn't sure how to respond to this animosity, this sense of rivalry. He didn't know if he should defend his employer or let the man defend himself.

"Er…I…I could take a message for him…."

"So? I don't care about that anymore. Well, I do, but I can just spam his e-mail again with past pictures of Belgium's _Kattenstoet_. But I asked before – who are you?"

"I'm mister Karpusi's assistant. Colin Galanos."

"…Assistant?"

"Yes, his hired personal assistant."

A silence on the other end.

"…Hello?" He was rewarded with laughter blasting in his ear.

"Hahaha! Hahahaha! Oh, God-! Ahahaha! You're a- you're his _bitch_!"

Colin's eyes widened in outrage. "I am _not_ anyone's-! I'm an _assistant_ and that's my only job! We don't do anything like that here!" He was being insulted by a stranger from who-knows-where just by association.

"Yeah, sure. I bet Jerkules pays you a bunch for your 'job'! I've never heard of a no-strings-attached assistant – where were you born? Certainly not _there_. Hee hee hee!"

He sputtered, not liking the crude insinuations but too socially awkward to return the favor. "Ah…I…I'm hanging up now!"

"Ahahaha! Please, stop! My sides! I hurt! Ahaha!"

Colin jammed the phone back into its cradle and stalked away. He was not answering the next few calls no matter what – let the narcoleptic handle his own house!

Elsewhere, Turkey was clutching his stomach and almost in tears. That assistant who answered the phone didn't know what he got himself into! Oh, this was priceless! Turkey had to see the poor bastard in a few months if he still worked there. After squeezing off a few more chuckles, he shakily picked up the phone – Greece's message forgotten – and dialed another number. He had to tell someone about this!

**TBC...**

Post Script - Colin is a prude. And of course, it wouldn't be Hetalia if rumors weren't spread around to ruin a nation's reputation. Not that Greece would really care, anyway. I imagine "assistant" to nations is synonymous with "paid intercourse" - just think of what France would do wih a personal assistant. No, I changed my mind. Don't.


	4. Assignment 4

**************Disclaimer:** Hetalia and its characters do not belong to me - unfortunately - they belong to their respective creator/owner.  
**Author Note:** I finally had some inspiration for this. Haha! It is SO hard for me to write for Greece, even more so for a fic where each chapter has its own story. Gah! Enjoy and leave feedback!

**Assignment 4**

Colin had been sitting in the hot sun for about four hours now, watching his employer attempt to unearth ruins on the outskirts of Greece. This wasn't part of his job and he wanted to go home…or at least inside where it was cool. But, nooo, mister Karpusi had specifically asked for him to stay there while he finished. So stay he did and now he was regretting it.

He got up and walked toward his boss's work so far. There were a few miscellaneous objects splayed out on the stone steps beside the cat man with a pickaxe. Colin studied the artifacts as cats weaved through his legs and around the ruins. There were chunks of dirt that may or may not contain something from ancient Greece, as well as more identifiable objects such as a spoon and what looked like some sort of fossil.

He sighed. "When can we go?" he asked feeling like an impatient kid with a slow-moving parent.

Mister Karpusi barely paid attention to him as he answered, "Soon," and went back to work.

After taking a walk around the perimeter, Colin decided he'd just sit down again, waiting, and took a seat near the objects his employer had already dug up. To his surprise, as he put his weight down on the stone slab he felt the ruins start to give way. Startled he jumped up and sprinted away, afraid he'd fall through a hole or something. After a few moments of silence, the Greek employer nonchalantly walked over and inspected where Colin had sat.

"Uh, mister Karpusi?"

Slowly Greece held up a now broken plate, same color as the stones it was set upon, ancient by the way it looked, and very, very valuable.

Shit.

"Ah-! Uh-! That was an accident!"

"You broke a priceless artifact."

"I-I said I was sorry, mister Karpusi!"

"With your ass."

"They can put it back together, I'm sure!"

His employer looked over to him. "You're fired."

His heart stopped. Colin had never been fired from a job before! Never in his entire life! This was-! No! What would Parliament do to him? What had he done! He'd ruined his future! _He'd never be hired again_!

Greece watched, expressionless, as his stupid assistant collapsed to the ground, foaming at the mouth. Using the camera he brought along for excavations, he snapped a picture for future blackmail/revenge material and took his time packing up his supplies. His assistant could only be fired from his job by the parliament that hired him in the first place – Greece had no say in the matter. He neglected, however, to tell Colin this since it was much funnier this way. And he could use some laughs.

**TBC...**

Post Script - There's not many people who can say they've destroyed a priceless artifact with their posterior. Poor workaholic Colin.


	5. Assignment 5

**************Disclaimer:** Hetalia and its characters do not belong to me - unfortunately - they belong to their respective creator/owner.  
**Author Note:** This is the hardest fic ever to write for-! Argh! I may just end it soon as I scramble to write new chapters with new situations. Enjoy and leave feedback!

**Assignment 5**

It wasn't every day you get a call from the fire department telling you that your boss's house nearly burnt down (your number was listed as an emergency number for some odd and probably pitiful reason). Well, Colin could think of worse wake up calls. He could also think of better ones. Now here he was standing on the lawn as he watched firefighters hastily put out a fire around the back of the house.

He glanced at his boss. "The hell, sir?"

The other Greek turned to look at him, dressed in his usual clothes and holding a cat, one clinging to his back and another to his pants leg. "I was trying to light a candle for a 'dinner by candle light'."

"Okay. _Why_?"

"Hm. Because a candle-light dinner is romantic…or so I'm told."

"Well, yes, I suppose. But it usually involves a date or someone to impress. …Did you have a date here? (Please say no – that image is just too weird.)"

"…I guess so…."

"You-! You guess so? It's usually either a yes or no question! How can you not know if you were just with someone or not?"

"It's complicated." He gave Colin a pitying look. "You'll understand when you're older."

"When I'm-! No, nevermind. And why were you having a candle-light dinner at 2 o'clock in the morning? And, again, where is your 'date' if this just happened?"

"You're too nosey, assistant. You're starting to make me uncomfortable."

"Me make _you_ uncomfortable? That's a new reversal."

His employer turned back towards his smoking home. He studied it for so long Colin began to shuffle impatiently, trying to find some reason to leave for his own house. It was chilly out here and his boss obviously wasn't dead, so…. He was just turning around to awkwardly excuse himself when the elder man spoke.

"My home is ruined…."

"O-Only a little bit, sir," Colin tried to cheer him up. After all, only a small portion of the home had been burnt. It would be repaired easily.

"I have to find someplace else to stay while they repair it."

"A-Ah. Good luck with that!"

"All of my cats, too…."

"Don't worry! I'm sure you have friends willing to offer you a temporary place to stay. You're not _so_ bad to live with!"

"Oh. Then, can we stay with you?"

"Hell no!"

**TBC...**


End file.
